Going to the Reptile Park to watch a spider being milked.

I just wonder how big the stool is to sit on to milk the spider???

New form of meal time fun - bread wrestling. Guess who lost?

Best performed dining out in style!

Fort putting hot water in the coffee cup. It is now the time of year to put hot water in the coffee jar just to keep going!

After sleeping for 100 years, did Sleeping Beauty need to brush her teeth before her waking kiss was received?

One word - hygeine

A burning, searching question.

Does Santa Claus wear Glasses (or in modern times contact lenses)?

Sometimes life really throws you unexpectedly
- sort of like seeing pig in a party dress. 

We used to have a big Christmas tree until we found that the cats were eating the tree through the year where it was stored.  I really don't want to think about what comes out of the other end.

In favour of saving the cats digestion and health, we have little trees hidden throughout the house. At least it's more of a challenge for the cats. 

It is one thing when  your dog loves you. It is quite another when a stranger's dog wanders up to you, sits on your foot, leans up against you and stares you happily in the face!

Technical language is a wonderful thing. 

I was really angry about the use of nail hardener to keep screws and slugs in place. I mean who would put nail hardener on a poor defenceless slug! Until that is, I was advised that a slug is a metal coil on a circuit board. Whew!

Trying to work with a terrified dog on my lap in a thunderstorm!  

All I can say is thank goodness it's a Chihuahua and not an Irish Wolf Hound!

Anticipated efficiency - a hopeful 3%.

It's not so much the dog, but the shaking of the poor little thing. 

I wonder if there is a dog richter scale. 

Listening to a radio programme and my husband made the comment: 

"The programme was quite good apart from the voices coming out of the radio". 

Why does it seem that 140 years is so close to 70, than 70 years is 0. 

I mean, once you hit 70 years of age, surely it is a blink of an eye to hang on to get to 140 years!

Somehow, the more senior members of my family do not appreciate it when I ask if they can't hold on to get to 140 years of age!

I asked my sweetie how the whispering as an experienced amateur radio operator was hearing the world. I have been advised that Japan is flooding with responses, Africa is on hold for the day and Europe is going mad!

Situation normal really! 

My husband is truly a master master magician. With an all mighty bang, flash of flame and smoke billowing forth from the kitchen, he successfully blew up the stove! 

I was surprised to see the cats standing still looking at his handiwork in amazement. I think they like to watch this sort of destruction.

What I did find out however was how high chihuahuas can jump. Now all I need is an expert to tell me how to prize them down from the ceiling. 

I just called my mother... I don't think she can hear me from 120km away!

We always seem to receive the cost to buy schooled prawns. 

What I want to know is how this compares to unschooled prawns.

Beware disruptive unschooled prawns, first they stink your house out, then they repeat on you something fierce!

The only problem with having an ear infection leaving you partially deaf in one ear is that I want to keep walking in left turning circles all the time!

I can do anything as long as I don't have to think...or turn right!

My cup is always full. It is just normally full of the wrong component, namely air. It is transition to the state of being filled with liquid that I prefer.

My dog Cody's motto is:

"Never let the opportunity for a belly rub go to waste". 

I must say, that's a pretty good motto, just not always appropriate for people.

I would like a refund on last night. 

Earache and the feeling of knitting needles through the ear were not what I envisaged for a good night's sleep. 

Now I can attest to that for certain. 

I do hope not to have a repeat of this again as double checking would really be a waste of time.

The biggest frustration about being sick, is the amount of extra work this creates when you don't have the energy to deal with it.

As part of the Royal Tour attended by Prince Charles and Duchess Camilla Parker-Bowles, my husband was invited to meet with them along with a number of representatives from his work. Families were asked to attend. My lovely husband declined as his was too busy and refuses to wear a tie for anyone. I have nothing suitable to wear and would have preferred three weeks to panic about what to wear.

Just as well we did not attend. My hayfever scrambled out of control and I would have been sneezing and blowing my nose at the Royal couple. I have no desire to repeat a Monty Python sketch. 

Better to leave such events to the non-seasonal allergy sufferers. 

Why do people bother to phone a radio station when the first thing they say is "I'm speechless" or " I don't know what to say."

Local vocal group "Chappie and the Meowlers" with their one hit wonder "Feed Me Now!"

 I have given my darling husband 6 months to give me a wedding ring so he went out and purchased a laptop for me. 

We will be at 10 years married in July next year.  

I recall something like that happened just under 10 years ago. 

I am thinking of getting my Sweetie a dictionary.  

I think I am having one of those moments where I really need to keep my mouth shut so I don't prove my lack of intelligence.

Some people receive welcome home flowers or balloons when arriving from overseas at the airport. My lovely fellow brings me coffee knowing how long it will take for us to get home.

Watching people (including men) in the customs queue check their hair for the customs photo before processing. 

What is worse, once I noticed others doing it, I repeated their behaviour!

At a complete loss to understand this. 

Going to the little girls room when out an about. Just inspecting the walls to see an A4 advert right in front of me for food and eateries.

I understand it is a great place to have the full attention of the customer however I find the reason for being indisposed to be sufficient for not going to said  food outlet / restaurant.

Oh the joys of travelling for work: 
Too many electronic items, too few power points. 

I wonder if modern science may eventually develop a point point we could have surgically implanted which use the bodys' electrical systems so we could use own own internal electricity to charge these computers and gadets. 

Ah but the cost to the company? 

I hear it now... as long as you can charge it back to the client!

Staying in a hotel in a foreign country away from family. I think it best not to watch even a B-grade horror  film like "The Slime" regardless of whether it is Halloween or not.
Not that I watch horror films at all, but how can you pass up a classic like "The Slime?

My plane is delayed due to congestion. I am surprised that there is no medication for this. Also glad it is not described as constipation. 
Wonder what you would use to clear it? Portalflush? Plane-o-clear? Flight-away?

I turn my computer on. 

I never knew I had such an effect on technology!

So many beautiful cathedrals. How does anyone enter a cathedral? Too beautiful, too overawing, too overpowering, far superior, far above the simple sinner such as I.
How does anyone enter these buildings?

Attending an information session on depression.
Someone has a sense of humour because the background music being played prior to the commencement of one session was Crazy - Patsy Cline.

The rain is coming down in buckets. I'm not going outside.

Getting hit by a bucket hurts - rain or no rain.

Is it cheaper to buy mineral water in it's dehydrated form?

With my poor dyslexic fingers, I have now created another disease:

Melano Miasma.

I think its the mental fog created by too much tropical fruit.

Subtlety

The point of action still needs to be indicated in speech or deed for the subtlety to exist. 

Anything less is actually telepathy.

I have found this to be a difficult concept for most in my household to grasp. I an not an alien. Mind reading is not my speciality.

I like honest food.
Dishonest food repeats, deserts the system rapidly, costs far more than its worth and lacks the dining experience that is anticipated.  

u-sphuck

The realisation that the great price of an item is negated by the cost of postage and the small writing in the purchase agreement. 

After extremely brief consideration, it is my opinion that technical engineering requiring thought of any kind, cannot be accomplished without the assistance of a hot steaming brew!

Technicians Curse 

Having to speak with the purchaser of a service for the household rather than the most technically competent person in the household to resolve the problem of the service purchased. 

Meteorologists write the best fantasy fiction I have ever read. 

Why is it that in trying to undo a package these days, I seem to be beaten by the plastic. 

1 refuse to believe that plastic has a higher IQ than me!

It's a very worrying thing to realise that you are being mentally affected by the nutter you are married to. 

It really is catching!

I asked my husband if he expected me to drive for 6 hours on 2 cups of coffee.
His response: "I'll fill the bucket"

There is nothing better in this world than a dog who loves to hear you sing!

The problem with politicians in power is that they are actually drunk with power.

There is nothing more dangerous that an power-drunk politician who is not aware of their own limitations!

Lunatic: Thy name is politician.

This of course is superseded only by bureaucrats!

Chihuahua battery recharge time: 5 mins.
Superior to all electronic devices.

Currently on holidays. There is the option to canoe the river. Much talking, splashing and orders can be heard from those canoing. It actually sounds like a canoe race but all from within the one canoe.

If I weren't such a polite person, then I would take great pleasure in telling those who decide to have a go at me for no particular reason to GO SOAK YOUR HEAD. 

I should also like to make replies to their lack of upbringing they experienced from their parents. 
As my mother would say - it all comes down to poor potty training

Instead, I shall nod, say nothing, and walk away from the silly geese.

Forget Einsten's theory of relativity
Forget Newton's law of gravity
Forget Tessler's laws of telegeodynamics
Forget the Heisenberg principle
Forget Schrodigner's cat.
Forget Pavlov's dog

Murphy's law wins and supersedes all others every time!

When all else fails, have a cup of tea. 
It at least gives you time to think up who to blame for the disaster you have just created. 

I need a donation of someone's time to add to my own. Will happily give money, assistance, care, phone calls, cleaning, etc....  I just need a few more hours (and energy to go with it) in the day. 

Other things I would like more of:
- childhood 
- common sense
- confidence
- calm

Why do birthdays seem to be spent the way everyone else thinks you should celebrate? I wonder if anyone over the age of 25 actually gets to do something they wanted to on their birthday.
In the end, who really cares. It's good to be alive!

For a car that seats 3 people comfortably in the back seat, I do not understand why it is too small for 2 Chihuahuas. 

When someone wants to put the idiot box on, I always want to know which idiot the box goes on. 

E-mail. Just one more way to spend time being frustrated either by:
- sending
- not receiving
- error messages
- spam

At least with letters, it takes up to 6 weeks to receive spam or get frustrated. It was a more patient time before e-mail. 

You know you have a really bad migraine when you burst into tears because the person next to you breaks wind!

According to the latest news report, Sydney ladies own an average of 25 pairs of shoes.

http://www.news.com.au/lifestyle/fashion-beauty/australian-women-head-over-heels-for-shoes-according-to-target-survey/story-fneszwgd-1226475163379


Boy am I way behind!!!  
Honey, where's your wallet? I need to go shopping to keep up with every other lady!
Won't the shop owner's be pleased to have more sales!

Sisyphus was doomed to push a boulder uphill, only to have it roll back down in order that he push it back up again.

Why does this sound like an accurate description of housework?

To mirrors, mirrors everywhere. Why do you never show me something useful, such as how I would like to look.

Currently staying in a motel in New Zealand where the shower floor is polished stainless steel. All I can say is thank goodness for bad eye sight!

The cat when she is misbehaving in this household gets called a cow. The dogs get called pigs. 

I am wondering if we need to set up an animal recognition system. 

You never call a cow a cat or a pig a dog!

Personally I like bovines and porcines and think they get a receive a negative reputation. 

If I was everything that people criticized me for, I should have no family, no friends, no home, no worth.

Isn't it great I have so many people around me to tell me where I go wrong.

I look forward to having a mid-life crisis. I only hope it happens when I am 80. 

It's a sad day when you have to appear on television to prove you are not dead.....and people still don't believe you.

Fossil Fuels: Is that when you give Grandad baked beans?

I have just informed the battery in the car has been changed.
3 questions:
-  How long has it needed changing for?
- How bad was the smell?
- What sort of nappy was used?

You know you have a really bad day at work when your assistant swears!

There is a language frequently spoken generally by one person and understood by all close family members. The words are unintelligible, used at home and reluctantly used at work, generally never at social occasions except for the brave of heart party animal type. 

The language is that of the hay-fever sufferer.

It consists of the sufferer attempting to speak and at the same time sneezing and sniffling, whilst covering their mouth with a tissue / handkerchief / bed-sheet / long haired dog or cat in an emergency.

I think this language deserves recognition, the speaker sympathy and the decipherers maximum shielding and protection from the sufferer.

Today I have seen a Postie without fear.

To two small dogs who are  going "Woof, growl, snarl, snap, yip, woof", 

I hear "Aren't you cute?" from the Postie.

Perhaps you can guess my thoughts.

My favourite emergency procedure.

When in danger, when in doubt,

Run in circles and shout "Look out! Look out!"

It's so nice to be welcomed and thanked by an e-mail spamming drug seller!

Welcome !

Top Sale:

- Levtira - 

- Cilais - 

- Vigara - 

- Famyli Pakc - 

- Femela Vigara - 

- Professional Pack - 


Thank you, !

Prices removed to protect any addicted to the drugs.

Link removed because the e-mail was not wanted in the first place.

Please pardon my typographical errors. 

I have dyslexic fingers.

The person who comes up with the formula for the liquid that maintains the stability of the active ingredient in all cat tablets will make a fortune. 

More importantly they will be revered by all cat owners throughout the world who have ever tried to give a cat a tablet.

For all of the Coptic Christians in Egypt. You have my prayers, my thoughts and my love.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mYzOTD2k40w&feature=player_embedded#!

Unusual Tip: Never hand a brush to someone holding a  glass of liquid. 

Guess what ends up tipped over the head.

Why do I see old age and senility galloping up on us?

Hear a lie many, many times and you start to believe it. 

Thank you Australian popularist media.

It is a long, difficult road back to how to learn to discern the truth and who is actually speaking truth, common sense and freedom.

Thank you to those who stand in the cross roads and are not afraid to speak despite the vitriolic, acerbic and disgusting attacks of the popular, politically-correct self-sanctimonious media commentators.

Freedom of speech...eroding rapidly. 

Freedom of thought...appearing to shortly follow.

Good-bye to freedom... I pray people wake up.

Three Australian soldiers killed in an insider attack by a member of the Afghan National Army. The media is using the term to describe the attacker as a "rogue".

The attacker is murderous traitor to his own country.

My thoughts and sympathies go out to the families of the fallen for their loss. 

Our army is doing a fantastic job in extreme circumstances. Thank you

Why is that that there are always tight deadlines for the one on the ground in the thick of it, yet the action to be taken from the deadlines is always either delayed, avoided or not given to any specific time consequence and may be held over for months at a time. 

Yet if the initial deadline is not met, life ends as we know it, even if there is no action taken thereafter for years. 

When I write something down on a piece of paper, it has a fair chance of staying there. 

Put it in a computer and there seems to be no end of ways for it to be altered, virus affected, stolen or disappear all together.

Posters about mental illness at the airport.
I can certainly understand the importance of recognising the symptoms and the need for assistance which is very admirable. I am 100% for as much assistance as possible made available.
My only concern is that the posters advertising where to go for help  are seen just before you are about to get into a small metal tube to go hurtling through the air with a plane full of potentially other disturbed passengers.
Happy travelling!

I actually think my hair is a sentiment form of life very similar to that of a shaggy dog. It is:
Washed
Groomed
Moisturised (fed)
Brushed
Played with daily
Disciplined when very out of hand.
Daily thought and worried about
The only problem is that it still looks like something the cat refuses to bring home.
I really should name it. Fluffy perhaps?

Stunned to hear a news report describe the dole as a wage.
At what point is it seen as a right not to earn your way in life?

I saw a man putting face cream on in the car on the way to work.

I wonder if his family know he's a closet moisturiser.

I am now firmly of the opinion that meetings are held solely for the chairman to tell you what you already know and to do what you are already doing. 
There is 5 mins to disseminate any new information. The remainder I think is spent on bloviation.

Advice on what to give a teacher for Christmas:
- a packet of red pens
- a replacement 'X' for the keyboard.

Definition of a Manager: 

The person that CEOs whinge to from above and employees whine to from below!

Perhaps I am seeing things.

The dog has asked the cat for a belly rub. 

At the same time the cat has asked the for a head scratch.

Both appear to wish to oblige each other but do not know how.

I am really keen to see if they eventually solve this conundrum.

Some people are afflicted with the small but insidious creature known as the bed bug. I on the other hand find myself having to deal with the far more frustrating "bed hog".
So to all suffering from a similar condition may I not wish you a "sleep well", it is perhaps better to wish you a "Sleep cautiously."

Why is it that the hardest part of travelling overseas is the present buying for others. This is especially difficult when I am only overseas for work for one or two days and only ever see the inside if buildings or hotel room. Airports are expensive for the guilty jet-lagged traveller.

I give in. This time I am going home empty handed with a heart full of hopeful thought that my getting home may be the best gift of all. (Suppressing the urge to feel nauseated by that last sentence.)

At least the dogs will be happy with a dog treat. The cats will receive self satisfaction in knowing they are doing an excellent job of ignoring me. 

Work will be happy with reports submitted on time.

So, after seven hours of travelling, its off to the office I go. Gift buying goes to the back of the mind for later along with various thoughts such as the deep desire for home, family and sleep.

OK. I gave in. I thought this wide-eyed little ovine needed refugee status from New Zealand! And he didn't even need papers through customs. See how generous the Australian government is! 

I have been asked if my shirts are going out?

What I want to know is: 
   - Who would they be going out with?
   - Would I be wearing them?

Sheep on a stick.
Best checkpoint ever!
Think I should ask my husband to carry a stick with a small chihuahua on it or equivalent stuffed toy for me to locate him. Anything  would work just as long as its not a white flag.

Waikato District Hospital, New Zealand. A kilometre from one end to the other on the inside....and TALL.
The last Time I was in Hamilton, I drove passed it in the fog and didn't see it.
After seeing it today....how did I ever miss it?
Thank goodness navigation is critical to my job description.

The Elusive Gate

Gate 54 where art thou?
Well, certainly not between gates 53 and 55.
I'm not sure if it's meant to indicate the ultimate in the search for meaning in life or just meant for the entertainment of staff and confusion of passengers.
Neither I'm sure.
For whatever it means. I have found Gate 54.

Given the choice of intelligence or common sense please, please, please grant me common sense.
It is far less costly when I use it and saves me far more time.
...and saves me from the embarrassing mistakes where I want to stick my head in a bucket.

There are some days you just want to stick your head in a bucket! 

It's not the colour of the bucket that matters.... just the size of the embarrassment!

I know there is no re-wind and you only get one moment at a time, but I really do wish you that there was a big red flashing stop sign (or anything for that matter) would appear to alert you when you are about to say or something really embarrassing or will regret. 

There are now so many different coloured Daleks, you could play snooker. Exterminate this in the side pocket! 

Might  even get a chess set sorted -  Daleks v's the Doctors. 
Can't wait to see that one. Might be a bit rough to have the companions as pawns though. 

Gee Whiz! Another fake lottery win notification via sms.

Well unless the prize is greater than our national debt, I am not interested!

I see no reason to aim low in life.

It is better to purchase from and give money to a relative than to a complete stranger, especially if anything goes wrong and you know their mother.

Welcome to the land of Oz. Fewer sheep and more bureaurocrats!

I may not be laughing on the outside by inside I am going "Ha!"

I listened to "The Devil's Gallop" on the way to work today.
Sadly It didn't get me there any faster. 

The agreement with the cat this morning is: 
      "You can go out and play if you make me a cup of tea."

Somehow I don't think we are going to reach a mutually equitable solution to this problem.

It is one thing to realise you are a fool and to live with it.
It is quite another to find out how big a fool you really are or have been with no way out.

Questions for the Exhausted

How do you track a shadow?

For that matter, in a shadow boxing match? How do you knock out a shadow?

How dense does a fog have to be for you to see a fart being expelled?

Since a horse wears shoes, should it be given the option to wear Nikes?

I know that there are liver pills, but I’m not sure how you give a liver a pill.

Has anyone ever stood in front of an oncoming wombat and not been knocked down?

A school of thought should be a school to show you how to question and develop your own ideas, not to school your thoughts to pre-determined thinking thought best for the student.

Feedback – is that another word for vomit?

Waiting for the Red-Eye

Too early to catch a flight. Too late at night to concentrate on work.
                  How else do you quantify 20:00?


- time to make prank phone calls to the family?

- time to invent a new recipe: Sardines, ice-cream and mustard?

- time to write a will? – Now who gets my collection of Christmas cards collected since the age of 6 / my collection of single socks waiting for the Fairy of the Lost Sock to return their other half?

- curl up in a corner and start snoring for the benefit of all at the airport lounge?

Why is it that people who admit to having nothing to say almost never cease talking?

One really good thing about a book, you never have to worry about having enough power left in the device to read it. There is only the wearing out of pages from overuse.

I am amazed. 
The olympic athletes / teams being interviewed about their silver or bronze medal wins IN GENERAL are upset they did not win the gold. 
I say Brilliant, they are second or third in the world in their field and the best in their country. 
There is no one else in the world, in this time and this place that can say the same thing.  We can only marvel at their achievements and be glad to see an excellent display of sportsmanship. 


To all who achieve the opportunity to compete in the Olympics - Well done!- and congratulations in recognition for your dedication and sacrifice. 

My definition of climate change:
"Getting out of a nice warm bed to a freezing cold house and hoping nothing falls off from the cold."

I slept so hard last night, I slept the pillow slip of the pillow.
That must have been a busy dream. 
....now if only the housework were done in my dreams......

I just asked my mother what she considered her job was in life.... 
Answer: "To suffer"
To quote Eric Morecambe "There's just no answer to that". 

I am now firmly of the opinion that people who are "Drunk with Power" do not have enough to do!

Zero degrees this morning.
If ever I decide to contemplate the merits of cryogenic freezing... I need to remember how it feels when you think your fingers going to fall off from the cold.... 
I would not want that for any part of me. 

Oh no, I've just blogged again!!!
          WELL CLEAN UP AFTER YOURSELF!

Is this an empty bowl I see before me?... No, there are peas left!


Why is that for every meal the cats, dogs and assorted personages that live in this abode, there are always peas left over?


I'll leave the big questions in life for others...  


For me, to pea is to ponder.......

To sign in at work, I write my initials in the in column and when I sign out I write them again on the same line but in the out column.


When I leave to go home, I see written... HA HA. 


I wonder who the joke is on?

                           
               A child may grow up - but a Chihuahua will be TWO forever!

 The hardest part to anything is getting started. Here goes:

                                                          Struck Thoughtless